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Dateline: April 1, 2001

In a technological tour-de-force, the White House today unveiled a secret Virtual Reality Implant project. Developed in a black-ops project jointly with the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the University of Washington's HIT Lab, and Microsoft. For years one of the holy grails of virtual reality researchers has been the seamless fusion of sensory input with user interface control technology. The President is now able to see top-secret information beamed directly into his eye.

The display system is a modification of the Human Interface Technology (HIT) lab at the University of Washington's VRD (virtual retinal display). Many people in the VR research community have been following the development of the VRD for years. Recently great progress has been show using a laser to literally paint images with light onto the retina of the viewer. The new VRD is packaged as a device that clips on to a pair of glasses giving the user a high resolution computer generated image that appears to float in space in front of the user.

Unknown to the public however was a secret collaboration between the HIT Lab, Microsoft, and DARPA to use this image generation capability, not simply to paint images on to the retina but to directly stimulate the optic nerve. After years of secret trials it was decided to perform this delicate surgery on President George W. Bush. President Bush's head now contains a bluetooth receiver upon which National Security Staff can send message directly to his optic nerve. This surreptitious surgery was conducted during the recent flurry of news coverage of Vice President Dick Cheney's recent heart surgery. It has been learned that the many heart attacks and medical situations for the Vice President has actually been an elaborate coverup to allow President Bush to undergo extensive testing and ultimately reception of the implant.

Microsoft's involvement has been a closely guarded secret as well. The recently much hyped X-box game console has also been used to disguise development of super-computer capable graphics generation chips. President Bush's eye now contains a proprietary version of what industry insiders have call MS-DUBBYA. In addition to the display capabilities the Chief Executive needs a way to seamlessly control the display system and communicate, secretly, with staff. This has been accomplished with a simple addition of a blink controller and eyeball rotation sensor. For example when you see President Bush rapidly blinking and rolling his eyes he is probably actually sending an important message to his staff.

President Bush's occasional syntactic slips are an unforseen side-effect of the implant. A recent book ""George Bushisms: The Slate Book of The Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President." chronicles this malady.